The Bible in a Nutshell
I’ll be the first person to admit it: I have never read the Bible cover to cover. In fact, I never read it at all, really, until my sophomore year of college when I took a Bible as Literature class. Even now, after ten years “practicing” my Christianity I still find myself asking the big questions like, “What is the Bible really about?”
I also encounter a crossroads in my faith whenever I’m forced to distinguish between the church culture gone awry and God’s actual message to humanity. For example, when Jerry Falwell claims that AIDS is God’s punishment for homosexuals and any society that tolerates them, and that obliterating our public school system would finally restore heaven on earth, I get a little bit queasy. Jerry and I are both standing on top of a gigantic Bible under this huge umbrella called “Christianity” and he’s trying to hold my hand. It makes me want to vomit all over my shoes.
This Christmas I was once again asking the big questions about God and the Bible, and I discovered I had a desperate need to distinguish myself from the Jerry Falwells of the world. I wanted re-instate ownership of my faith. I wanted to know the truth behind this ancient text and, more importantly, I wanted to be able to sum it up in three words or less. So, I decided to dust off my Oxford Study Bible and skim through each book in search of a central theme. This is what I came up with:
In the beginning, God creates everything lickety split. Adam and Eve skip merrily through their little nudist colony until it becomes clear that man is imperfect and true love cannot exist between God and man without free will. Inevitably, there is a horrible fruit-eating incident and paradise is destroyed until the end of time (at least, as far as we can tell). There’s Noah, the ark, and the introduction of rainbows. Later on the Israelites experience many hardships but Moses finally helps deliver them from slavery (until they are enslaved again and tortured over and over throughout history).
Next there are a few books about rituals, worship, and atonement. There are several verses about what to do with your bodily fluids, which should never be read immediately after a meal. The book of Joshua proves that God rocks in battle, even when the only weapons available are trumpets and glass jars. Then all the tribes of Israel are settled and organized, namely by 12 very influential judges, one of whom is a woman. (Incidentally, Deborah did not become a judge because all the men were at war and she was the only one available, nor did she get her appointment through some friendship with the president or an affirmative action plea. She was simply the most qualified person for the job.) Ruth also appears in this section with an awesome story about giving up a little security and showing a little devotion to the ones you love.
1 Samuel through 2 Kings is all about David’s dynasty. The highlights are David worshipping God by dancing through the streets in his underwear (which is something I think we should bring back to contemporary church services) and his adulterous affair with Bathsheba, which leaves him penitent and crying. It’s one of those genuinely vulnerable cries that makes him completely empty inside. Then David says something like, “I miss you, God.” And God replies, “I miss you, too. I still love you, and I especially love your honesty and authenticity.”
1 and 2 Chronicles address David’s genealogy and explain how to decorate the temple. Then Ezra and Nehemiah do their best to supervise the re-construction of the temple (which, apparently, was destroyed at some point). Esther gets her man and Job sits on a pile of poop scratching the boils on his butt. It is unclear if the poop is his or someone else’s. When Job asks God why his life completely sucks God answers him with a simple, “I’m God. You’re not.” Then He blesses Job abundantly.
Psalms covers David’s rock star years and Proverbs is full of pieces of witticism appropriate for both fortune cookies and life. Ecclesiastes points out that none of us is intelligent enough to understand God, while Song of Songs is a “romantic” book that describes how a woman’s teeth are like sheep and her breasts are like cattle. (Did Solomon actually use this line? Did it actually work?) Next, Isaiah reveals many thoughts and visions, including several important prophecies about the Messiah.
Jeremiah is a prophet who helps God scatter the Hebrews (I’m not sure why) and explains that God has the right to change His mind. In Lamentations Jerusalem is destroyed and people lament it, obviously. After that Ezekial goes to the valley of dry bones and the bones turn into a man, which symbolizes hope in a really creepy way.
Daniel tames lions and interprets dreams, and Hosea loves his wife even though she’s a prostitute. After that, ten minor prophets talk about Judgment Day and many of the things that can get screwed up between now and then. However, they emphasize the fact that if people trust God everything will be cool and anything that gets destroyed can be rebuilt even better than it was before. Also, somewhere in there Jonah acts like a baby and thinks he can hide from God to avoid saving the Ninevites. God uses this opportunity to turn Jonah into seafood and explain that all people are important to Him.
Next we have the New Testament, where Jesus makes his debut and performs many miracles, the most notable being his ability to love people and tell them the truth at the same time. Jesus does this regardless of what other people think about him. He finds twelve stupid but kind-hearted fishermen and makes them his best buddies. He teaches them about God and after he’s gone they finally understand what he was saying. Jesus is constantly getting chased by people who want to stone him, namely the church leaders of the day. He also enjoys having dinner with thieves, prostitutes, and people with festering sores all over their bodies. Then he gets crucified and comes back to life, which is no small thing.
In Acts the disciples carry on where Jesus left off, despite the fact that they are repeatedly beaten, imprisoned, and ultimately killed. Paul does a complete U-turn on the road to Damascus and ends up telling everyone that they, too, can know Jesus, even if they think they’re not good enough. He also writes letters to several churches and tells them to stop fighting. These letters also indicate that the last days will be crummy, but heaven will be really nice.
Hebrews and James encourage Christians to keep on keepin’ on, despite the bloody massacres that may result from sharing their faith. In 1 and 2 Peter we learn that suffering can make us strong like bull, and there is no reason to be a slave to any of our behaviors. 1, 2 and 3 John are the hippie books telling us to love each other and peace out. Jude talks about being patient especially when we have doubts. And finally, the book of Revelation brings the whole thing to its climactic conclusion with flashes of lightning, freaky-looking Lord of the Rings type creatures, falling stars, and a blood-red moon. In the end, the world and God are reunited forever.
So that’s the Bible in a nutshell. I know this article was long, but I think I did pretty well considering that the actual book is over 1000 pages. However, you may be disappointed to learn that in the end I am still unable to sum up the central theme in three words or less. The most I can say is that the Bible seems to be a lot about people, how they relate to each other and how they relate to God. Sometimes they hide, sometimes they fight, and sometimes they embrace. None of them ever seem to stop asking the big questions, though. And that’s a relief, at least to me.
I also encounter a crossroads in my faith whenever I’m forced to distinguish between the church culture gone awry and God’s actual message to humanity. For example, when Jerry Falwell claims that AIDS is God’s punishment for homosexuals and any society that tolerates them, and that obliterating our public school system would finally restore heaven on earth, I get a little bit queasy. Jerry and I are both standing on top of a gigantic Bible under this huge umbrella called “Christianity” and he’s trying to hold my hand. It makes me want to vomit all over my shoes.
This Christmas I was once again asking the big questions about God and the Bible, and I discovered I had a desperate need to distinguish myself from the Jerry Falwells of the world. I wanted re-instate ownership of my faith. I wanted to know the truth behind this ancient text and, more importantly, I wanted to be able to sum it up in three words or less. So, I decided to dust off my Oxford Study Bible and skim through each book in search of a central theme. This is what I came up with:
In the beginning, God creates everything lickety split. Adam and Eve skip merrily through their little nudist colony until it becomes clear that man is imperfect and true love cannot exist between God and man without free will. Inevitably, there is a horrible fruit-eating incident and paradise is destroyed until the end of time (at least, as far as we can tell). There’s Noah, the ark, and the introduction of rainbows. Later on the Israelites experience many hardships but Moses finally helps deliver them from slavery (until they are enslaved again and tortured over and over throughout history).
Next there are a few books about rituals, worship, and atonement. There are several verses about what to do with your bodily fluids, which should never be read immediately after a meal. The book of Joshua proves that God rocks in battle, even when the only weapons available are trumpets and glass jars. Then all the tribes of Israel are settled and organized, namely by 12 very influential judges, one of whom is a woman. (Incidentally, Deborah did not become a judge because all the men were at war and she was the only one available, nor did she get her appointment through some friendship with the president or an affirmative action plea. She was simply the most qualified person for the job.) Ruth also appears in this section with an awesome story about giving up a little security and showing a little devotion to the ones you love.
1 Samuel through 2 Kings is all about David’s dynasty. The highlights are David worshipping God by dancing through the streets in his underwear (which is something I think we should bring back to contemporary church services) and his adulterous affair with Bathsheba, which leaves him penitent and crying. It’s one of those genuinely vulnerable cries that makes him completely empty inside. Then David says something like, “I miss you, God.” And God replies, “I miss you, too. I still love you, and I especially love your honesty and authenticity.”
1 and 2 Chronicles address David’s genealogy and explain how to decorate the temple. Then Ezra and Nehemiah do their best to supervise the re-construction of the temple (which, apparently, was destroyed at some point). Esther gets her man and Job sits on a pile of poop scratching the boils on his butt. It is unclear if the poop is his or someone else’s. When Job asks God why his life completely sucks God answers him with a simple, “I’m God. You’re not.” Then He blesses Job abundantly.
Psalms covers David’s rock star years and Proverbs is full of pieces of witticism appropriate for both fortune cookies and life. Ecclesiastes points out that none of us is intelligent enough to understand God, while Song of Songs is a “romantic” book that describes how a woman’s teeth are like sheep and her breasts are like cattle. (Did Solomon actually use this line? Did it actually work?) Next, Isaiah reveals many thoughts and visions, including several important prophecies about the Messiah.
Jeremiah is a prophet who helps God scatter the Hebrews (I’m not sure why) and explains that God has the right to change His mind. In Lamentations Jerusalem is destroyed and people lament it, obviously. After that Ezekial goes to the valley of dry bones and the bones turn into a man, which symbolizes hope in a really creepy way.
Daniel tames lions and interprets dreams, and Hosea loves his wife even though she’s a prostitute. After that, ten minor prophets talk about Judgment Day and many of the things that can get screwed up between now and then. However, they emphasize the fact that if people trust God everything will be cool and anything that gets destroyed can be rebuilt even better than it was before. Also, somewhere in there Jonah acts like a baby and thinks he can hide from God to avoid saving the Ninevites. God uses this opportunity to turn Jonah into seafood and explain that all people are important to Him.
Next we have the New Testament, where Jesus makes his debut and performs many miracles, the most notable being his ability to love people and tell them the truth at the same time. Jesus does this regardless of what other people think about him. He finds twelve stupid but kind-hearted fishermen and makes them his best buddies. He teaches them about God and after he’s gone they finally understand what he was saying. Jesus is constantly getting chased by people who want to stone him, namely the church leaders of the day. He also enjoys having dinner with thieves, prostitutes, and people with festering sores all over their bodies. Then he gets crucified and comes back to life, which is no small thing.
In Acts the disciples carry on where Jesus left off, despite the fact that they are repeatedly beaten, imprisoned, and ultimately killed. Paul does a complete U-turn on the road to Damascus and ends up telling everyone that they, too, can know Jesus, even if they think they’re not good enough. He also writes letters to several churches and tells them to stop fighting. These letters also indicate that the last days will be crummy, but heaven will be really nice.
Hebrews and James encourage Christians to keep on keepin’ on, despite the bloody massacres that may result from sharing their faith. In 1 and 2 Peter we learn that suffering can make us strong like bull, and there is no reason to be a slave to any of our behaviors. 1, 2 and 3 John are the hippie books telling us to love each other and peace out. Jude talks about being patient especially when we have doubts. And finally, the book of Revelation brings the whole thing to its climactic conclusion with flashes of lightning, freaky-looking Lord of the Rings type creatures, falling stars, and a blood-red moon. In the end, the world and God are reunited forever.
So that’s the Bible in a nutshell. I know this article was long, but I think I did pretty well considering that the actual book is over 1000 pages. However, you may be disappointed to learn that in the end I am still unable to sum up the central theme in three words or less. The most I can say is that the Bible seems to be a lot about people, how they relate to each other and how they relate to God. Sometimes they hide, sometimes they fight, and sometimes they embrace. None of them ever seem to stop asking the big questions, though. And that’s a relief, at least to me.
posted by Alice | 2:25 PM
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